


Rickroll me, Baby.

by Yoki_Gin



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Brief mention of Oikawa, Cussing, I aged them both up to 18, Kinda Fluffy, Kissing, M/M, Memes, No Smut, Offensive Jokes, Roughhousing, Sex Toys, Teasing, Vomiting, headcannons, lewd themes, lying about sexuality, matsuhana - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 11:43:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9438686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yoki_Gin/pseuds/Yoki_Gin
Summary: “It’s a miracle your head doesn’t bleed pink whenever you touch water,” he joked, totally not checking out his best friend’s legs as they walked up the stairs, not watching the water drip off his slender yet muscular-  lmao what? They locked eyes when Makki turned around to respond, and an awkward “was that a gay moment?” silence filled the space. He coughed and piped up with a joke right as Issei's mind was about to slip into the gutter.“...And it looks like you skipped leg day, Issei.” He gasped overdramatically and they laughed it off as they walked into Makki’s room, shutting the door behind them with a soft thud.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't wrote anything decent in ages. This is. Memey. It'sa me! THE LEGEND 27!
> 
> SHOUT OUT TO MY FAM @WtfNastyDude on ao3 & http://corpse-struggles.tumblr.com/ For staying up all night rock star energy drink fueled for Editing this fuckery with me and Beta reading it. Bless his goddamn soul

Hanamaki was the type of kid that sets a hentai screenshot as a profile picture on his social media, followed by a username like “Harambe more like HaramBAE”, “Hitler did nothing wrong”, or “Clorox Bleach”. He listened to vaporwave and song remixes rather than the original, bought meme shirts unironically, and wore them with a wide toothy grin with his neon pink crocs and emoji socks. He dyed his hair a different shade of pink every month, and gave himself henna tattoos because his parents wouldn’t let him get a real one(he fell in love with a lotus pattern he got at a music festival once). Issei helped once or twice with his upper back, but was shit at anything to do with art, so he’d keep it simple with daisies, daffodils, and sunflowers, one time even drawing a dick onto his lower back without Takahiro’s consent. The entire volleyball team laughed their asses off; while in the locker room, Iwaizumi pointed it out, setting all eyes on Takahiro while he was changing. The entire team was wheezing at the sight of the small henna dick tramp stamp. As meme-y as it was, it suited his lower back quite well. 

Hanamaki’s flustered face matched his hair for the rest of practice that day. Mattsun had to buy him cream puffs for a week to earn forgiveness for such a ‘painful’ and ‘traumatizing’ event. Needless to say, Makki got him back later that month by shaving one side of his head while he napped. 

At one point later that night, he mentioned wanting to become a tattoo artist and piercer, with a flower shop next door(to enjoy all the pretty colours and arrangements). The henna was just so fun. But somehow, later that night somehow Matsukawa was sweet-talked into getting a piercing with nothing but a safety pin. He could still remember the whines of ‘You’ll look so good!’ and ‘It’ll compliment your newly shaved head!’ 

Thankfully, Makki knew not to just shove a pin in his ear. He had boiled it first and cleaned his ear with salt water, and without even a 1- 2 - 3 or even much pain, Mattsun had a piercing. It hurt way less than he had expected. In one night, he had a shaved head and a safety pin dangling from his ear. Makki was lucky he trusted him so much.

Matsukawa’s parent’s flipped when he came home, but in the end accepted his new punk aesthetic with concerns of their son becoming a drug dealer, or worse - a delinquent highschool dropout-to-be. But all those worried thoughts vanished once they realized that their boy loved his intense hot potato too much to drop out. Volleyball was just too important to him. Especially after finding a new best friend through it all.

\--- 

“We’ll go swimming, watch youtube, order a pizza-” 

Matsukawa had to cut him off right there with a questioning stare. “Where’s your parents in this whole ordeal?”

“Business trip~!” He sung loudly, catching some confused first-year’s glances. Hanamaki only raised his voice when he was excited about something - Mattsun learned that over the years. Their coach blew the whistle, and his tired eyes looked his friend up and down in thought before he smiled and agreed.

\---

They decided to get out of the pool and dry off after Makki stalked Issei around the pool, chanting the jaws theme, and literally bit his ass underwater. All was forgiven after he claimed it was for the memes, and it wasn’t like Matsukawa could completely be angry after (very poorly) pretending to die an exaggerated death.

“It’s a miracle your head doesn’t bleed pink whenever you touch water,” he joked, totally not checking out his best friend’s legs as they walked up the stairs, not watching the water drip off his slender yet muscular- lmao what? They locked eyes when Makki turned around to respond, and an awkward “was that a gay moment?” silence filled the space. He coughed and piped up with a joke right as Issei's mind was about to slip into the gutter.

“...And it looks like you skipped leg day, Issei.” He gasped overdramatically and they laughed it off as they walked into Makki’s room, shutting the door behind them with a soft thud.

He made a beeline for the dresser, saying nothing but, “I’m stealing some clothes since you insisted on the candy store instead of stopping by my house” as he started digging through the drawers for a shirt and pants.

He glanced back at his friend for a second and just happened to notice Hanamaki sprawled out across his own bed, dripping wet, discarded bags and candy wrappers surrounding him as he tapped away on his phone, editing a terrible selfie to send to Oikawa. Nice. 

Matsukawa turned back to the dresser and rummaged through the mess of clothes some more until he found a suitable tee to throw on. With that out of the way, he opened the second drawer for some bottoms. As he fished around in the unfolded wreck of a drawer, his hand hit something hard.  
What is that?? Purely out of curiosity, he pushed the other pants out of the way to see what it was.  
“Makki.” Hanamaki was much too involved with sending yet another terrible meme-y face to the group chat to look up, but he responded with a grunt. Picking up the hard object in his hand he accidentally pushed a button and dropped it immediately back into the drawer when it started vibrating.

“Dude what the fuck is that.” The taller one gestured at the buzzing drawer, demanding an answer. FInally deeming it important enough to move, Makki sat up to see what his friend could possibly be gawking over.  
“Oh. That.” He laughed nervously, getting up and stepping over. “You’re wasting the batteries, man, I’m gonna make you buy me new ones if it dies while I’m jacking it.” He reached across Issei to press the button again and shut it off.

The room was quiet for a good few seconds as his head reeled. Here he was. A normal dude, who had spent a normal meme filled day with his friend - arguably the best friend he’d had in a while - and just wanted to borrow some clothes from said friend. He didn’t even have his own jersey with him because he and Makki had switched again during practice. And then he found a fucking flesh light in aforementioned friend’s drawer. He hadn't even changed out of the damp towel and trunks yet.

“Takahiro. Why. Do you have /THAT/.” Hanamaki groaned, sitting back on his bed and covering his very embarrassed face with his hands. Issel did not need to know anything about how, or what his friend used to masturbate. 

Their relationship was a bit odd, yes, but it wasn’t like they were a pair of normal high school students to begin with. Mattsun constantly fell asleep in class, unable to even see the dang whiteboard without his glasses. It was a miracle he was able to even see the volleyball, let alone be considered a valuable player, while Hanamaki dyed his hair bright pink. He recalled one time his hair was a bright magenta pink and the coach was screaming at Makki for missing a receive. “Did all that hair dye goto your brain!?” The teachers went ballistic at the sight of a toothy second year having such a hideously pink head, so he toned it down to a more neutral shade for a while. Copper pink, and no one could say shit to him. All under the school’s dress code, and he wouldn't be a distraction. During his third year, Hana broke out the bleaching kit once more, but settled on a light dusty rose color. It suited him quite well, to be completely honest.

He was lost in thought for what felt like seconds, but was actually over a minute and counting. The full reality of the fake vagina in his friend’s hand finally settled into his head.

“You know, it’s impolite to stare at a lady, let alone her privates!” Makki broke the silence, backhanding Mattsun’s arm jokingly. It did sting, though.

“Cunt,” he huffed, rubbing at his arm.

“Faggot.”

“Cock-juggling thundercunt,” he tested.

“Shitlord!” Makki piped. 

“Douche canoe.”

“Bitch boy.” A toothy smile.

“Dickweed.” A small one to mirror it.

“Cupcake.” Makki’s tone was different now, condescending.

“Princess,” he growled back.

“Do you like Jazz?” Issei blinked, registering the nearly dead meme. In a matter of seconds, the both of them were on the floor laughing for a worrying amount of time over a stupid quote from one of the worst movies to ever hit theaters. All though Hanamaki would disagree, he had every line memorized. He’d even date a bee if he had the chance, and sue anyone that questioned his motive for some sweet honey in his life. 

He had knew Makki had made multiple accounts that got banned from movie review websites, by him posting the whole entire bee movie script without so batting a eye on why his IP address was banned and accounts suspended. Oikawa did scream about it once, while on his phone in Makki’s household. He couldn’t check any movie review websites for a new alien film coming out, since the four of them decided to entertain him and go see the movie. He was in Makki’s meme domain so, no shitty movie reviews for Tooru. 

“No but... Seriously. Why do you have a uh. Fleshlight?” His eyes glanced back over to the now shut drawer. Hanamaki’s face was essentially neutral by now, his resting bitch-face syndrome kicking in.

“Are you, uh, a real villain?” It came out of the blue, avoiding his issues with memes. 

“Makki.” Mattsun’s eyes narrowed at his friend, fully aware of his avoidance tactic. Hanamaki memorized “We Are Number One” to audition for the school’s drama program in his first year. And was rejected(thank god for the volleyball team being more lenient about grades) once they saw his failing marks. But now wasn’t the time for memes, now was the time for answers.

“Well, uh, technically... nah.” 

“Hanamaki,” he warned.

“Have you ever caught a good guy, like, uh, like a real superhero?” He kept going, ignoring his friend’s annoyance. 

“Takahiro!” He hadn’t meant to raise his voice so high, but that was apparently what it took to get him to stop quoting Lazy Town.

“Okay! Okay!” A sly grin crept onto his face, like the cat who got the cream. Well. More like cream puffs in his case.  
“It’s kind of an awkward story, but since you insist darlin’, I’d be willin’ to oblige.” Their eyes met for a moment after his forced joke before Makki looked away, pushing out the next words in a embarrassed squeak. 

“Mycousinboughtmeit.”

“What-” Issei's eyes widened, looking awake for once in his life. 

“Makki, this is a gross joke you know-”

“It’s not a joke! I just. Always told my family I was Asexual. Since I didn’t want them prying into my sex life. I-It’s just awkward, y’know?” He sighed, eyes fixed on the floor now, his cheeks just a shade off from his head. “They said I wouldn’t be Asexual after I had my first orgasm. Joke’s on them, I’m not Ace. But they just. Went ahead, and bought me a ‘toy’ to experiment with and. Yeah.” 

Matsukawa scratched his head. He knew Makki had a strange family, but this was almost strange to the point of crossing a line. 

“Did they actually say that?”

“About the orgasm? Yeah. My cousin went on to say, ‘It's the most wonderful thing. You can feel yourself leaving your body-’”

“Takahiro, shut the hell up. I don’t need to picture anyone in your family like that!”

“You weren’t the one who had to hear her say it! I told her it was disgusting, harassment, and I was hashtag triggered! Then!! She had the nerve to say, ‘I’ll buy you a toy!’ I shut my door in her face after that.”

“Did you really meme your older cousin for giving you the sex talk?” When they both realised the humour in the situation, they had a short giggle over it.

When the giggling cleared, the flesh light felt like a much smaller deal than it had before. They both sighed contentedly and Makki stood up finally, crossing the room and digging a pair or grey sweats out of the sex toy drawer. Mattsun gracefully accepted them with an overly formal bow, grinning as he stood up to finally take off his damp and clammy swim trunks.

“You should do the sweatpants challenge, and send it to Oikawa. I bet he’ll scream it’s sexual harassment to Iwa~chan,” Makki noted, sitting down and leaning back on his bed.

“Speaking of Oikawa, what if I told him about this?” Issei wondered, pushing his foot through the sweats leg.

“Do you like your dick?” 

He snorted at the dangerous glint in his friend’s eyes, rolling his own in response. “‘Course I do, it’s thicker then these eyebrows.” He guestured towards his gloriously thicc eyebrows as he said this. Hanamaki sometimes wondered if he watered them daily, like plants, and that was how he got them to grow so large.

“If you told Tooru this, I’d slice your dick off in one clean swoop. Hide it inside the fleshlight for safe keeping.”

“Hey, at least my dick’d be happy, non-existent balls deep inside of a pocket pussy.”

“You’re gross.”

“I’m not the one who owns a sex toy,” he pointed out as Hanamaki’s face twisted into a sour scowl as he threw a pillow at Mattsun’s face. He accepted the feathery softness of his pillowy fate, it was much better then the back of Makki’s hand. Just now realising he was going commando in his friend’s sweats. A little weird, but after what happened today? No biggie.

Makki took this lapse in conversation to drag his laptop from underneath his bed and onto his lap, his hands typing away at the keyboard. Within moments the Neon Genesis opening theme started playing, and Makki grinned at Mattsun as he sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed next to him.

“You haven’t even watched that anime,” Issei joked, knowing full well that he was only playing it since the internet considered it a meme. 

“I don’t Nico Nico need your attitude, Mattsun~!” He made the hand gestures in a sing song voice as Matsukawa snorted at him.

“You haven’t even played Love Live either!”

“Yeah, duh, that's ‘cause I’m not an insane weeaboo like you, Matsukawa-san. 50+ animes under your belt, that must get you aaall the neko girls~.” 

“Okay, but you watched Osomatsu-san, Mob Psycho 100, One Punch Man-”

“Those are gag animes, and considered a form of comedy. I get a pass.”

“You wanted an Oppai hoodie.”

“Who doesn’t?” he grinned. “And you bought a Karamatsu shirt! Ouch!” 

“He has nice eyebrows, like me,” he reasoned, waggling said eyebrows.

“I bet he gets them waxed, unlike you. The thing Tooru’s been begging you to do since day one?”

“I have worked 18 years of my life growing them this thick, I’m not harming a single hair of my precious caterpillars.”

“And this is why we’re both single, with no girlfriends.”

“That, and you have a pocket pussy.” Makki harshly pushed at Issei's shoulders, actually seeming to be a little pissed at the overuse of the joke, and he fell back against the bed’s headboard. They weren’t too far from being the same height and weight, Hanamaki could've beat him up easily if he wanted. 

“Deadass, if you say that again I’m gonna strangle you.” He looked serious, but it only made the sleepy faced boy think of how cute Hana looked while angry. (Hana - A nickname he’d be beaten into next month for using.)

“Ooh, didn’t know you were so rough, Makki~” He made an obscenely loud fake moan, imitating a hentai girl. Though. He could have sworn he heard his best friend’s breath hitch at the nasty cheesy moan.

“Dude, I think that's the gayest thing I’ve ever heard you say.” He spoke slowly, blinking a few extra times. 

“It’s not gay if you say ‘no homo’, or don’t look each other in the eye.”

“Yeah but neither of us said ‘no homo’, and I’m looking you in the eye.”

“Oh shit waddup, who’s the gay one now? DAT BOI HANAMAKI TAKAHIRO!” he whooped, not aware of Hanamaki closing the distance between them until it was too late.

Makki’s lips were soft and gentle against his, odd since considering they both were guys. He had expected something different, Takahiro HAD been wearing chapstick that kind of tasted like-

It only lasted seconds, but it felt like hours to Makki. It only reason it ended so soon so that Issei could pull away to keep himself from gagging on the overwhelming lavender chapstick transferred onto his lips. He wasn’t gagging from Hanamaki kissing him, oh no, he thoroughly enjoyed that (when he probably should have only KIND OF enjoyed it with a man, he was only bi-curious, and that was how it worked, right? Well, probably at least just bi now. He was definitely gayer now.) But Makki had the scent and flavour of lavender all around his mouth, which made his stomach go even wilder than it already was with the butterflies he was giving Issei.

“Mattsun-” was all Hanamaki could get out before he had a pile of vomit on his lap.

\---

After countless apologies from the lanky giant(and a shower, mouthwash, and new change of clothes), Hanamaki vowed to himself to throw away any lavender scented mouth associated items he owned. As well as scratching the idea of getting lavender flowers tattooed up his calf, since Mattsun found the smell so offensive. 

They officially started dating that night. Hanamaki confessed his small yet blooming crush on Issei from over the years, while all the other had to say was, “I fell in love with you the second you rickrolled me.” 

Love at first stale meme.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been writing this for the past two days, so much was deleted. Thank the meme gods I spared you of more offensive jokes and shitty memes.  
> (Pls tell me If i need to tag something, that isn't stated above that could be triggering besides Oikawa being the most offensive thing listed.)


End file.
